Miscarriage. There is that ugly and painful word. One we don’t like to acknowledge, because then we may just be facing the pain of our loss head on. Even more so, it can very easily be a silent pain. No one would know unless we told them.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you’ve experienced either, you know that it can carry a lot of pain with it. A pain that can seem lonely and one that no one else understands.
But I am here to let you know that I do understand, and so do one in four women! That is what this blog is all about. I want to share a part of my heart and journey through pregnancy loss so that you know that you are not alone. At least for me, knowing that others could relate to the pain I felt allowed me to face it. It gave me hope and it is my prayer that it gives you hope too!
Our baby would have been just over a year and a half old, had I not miscarried. That is a surreal thought. I can’t imagine having a toddler again, and yet it would have been incredible.
The pain of loosing a baby can take on many forms. Some days it’s a sharp pain and I can start crying without knowing why. Other days I have a thought of holding my little one, what she would have looked like, and the pain of not getting to know her this side of heaven. There was a length of time where I didn’t even realize I was mourning.
For roughly six months I ate whatever I wanted to. I mean anything and everything. I didn’t necessarily overeat all the time, but I didn’t care what it was that I was eating. When my doctor told me my weight at the yearly physical, I froze. I felt shame. I had gained roughly thirty pounds. When I thought about eating healthier again, it was only at that point I realized I had been eating my pain. That was one of the ways I was grieving.
When you come face to face with pain, it really is fight or flight. Some days, even months, you can feel that you don’t have any fight left in you. So you run. You run to food, or TV, or some sort of comfort and distraction. Because facing the pain is too tough and your spouse may not understand what you are going through.
Guess what? That’s okay! We’re human and grieving sucks.
But it also brings healing. Talking about how your feeling and what you went through can be tough, but I encourage you to share your story with a counselling group or even a close friend you trust. When you walk through the pain with someone you trust, the tears can bring a new perspective on life. A baptism of sweet tears that start to wash away the knot of pain deep inside so that you can go on living. I have a dear friend that I have called up on a whim when I was missing my little one, and she just listened as I cried. She hasn’t had a miscarriage herself, but she is a person I trust! These moments are precious and I cherish them greatly. I pray you can find a friend to confide in also!
Shaun and I decided to share the news that we lost a baby, with our children. They were nine and six years old at the time. I knew they would have questions, and that was an interesting time in and of itself.
What surprised me was the fact that as often as my daughter wanted to talk about the miscarriage or even mentioned her sister that is no longer here, instead of a sharp pain, I felt only mild sadness. The rest of me felt joy at the fact that we get to remember her. She is not forgotten! The best part? We get to meet her one day!
When my time comes to leave this lovely planet and make my home in heaven with our wonderful heavenly Father, I will also get to wrap my arms tightly around my little one. I’ll see her face, her smile, her hair, and hear her laugh.
In the meantime, I will share this life with the ones living on earth. What a sweet life it is. I’ll continue to ask God to give my little girl a big hug from momma when I think of it. Plus, I have the peace in my heart knowing that He is taking good care of her. There will be days of sadness, grief, and pain. But there will also be days of great joy.
And I will always remember you, little wonder! You may be gone but you are not forgotten. I’ll hold you in my heart until I hold you in my arms.
To any woman who has lost a child through miscarriage, you are not alone! We stand together in this. I pray that you feel the Fathers loving arms hold you close in the moments you feel the greatest pain and that you also feel Him smile upon you in the moments of joy!